Achromatopsia
by dramatickeychanges
Summary: Alexander Hamilton isn't bothered by much. He isn't bothered that he'll probably never see color. But when everything seems to change all because of a few strangers, he finds himself asking if he can handle the risk of letting others into his life. (Soulmate AU)
1. Chapter 1

**This Soulmate AU is inspired by the one used in "The Grey Spectrum" by LittleAngryHammy. Go check out their work, because I personally love it!**

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Alexander Hamilton has never seen color. Never has, never will. His world was just varying shades of gray. And he was fine with that, maybe even happy about it. It was stable, and he knew he'd spend days studying every color and sightseeing if he let it go to his head.

So he didn't. He never got his hopes up when he shook people's hands, no matter how hopeful the other person looked. Piles of paperwork and keyboard keys were the only company he let himself touch freely. Any other person got the cold side of him, the side of him that never got too excited or fiery.

Despite that, he knew almost everything about soulmates. Some people had just one, some people had more than one. Some soulmates were across the world and some are people you bump into on the street. All it took to find out was a single touch to see if any colors appeared.

One day, Alexander had the urge for some coffee. Not like that was a huge deal, he found it necessary for long nights. There was only one problem that was getting on his nerves. The coffee machine was broken yet again. He supposed there was a silver lining. He wouldn't have to deal with the other people that lived in his building.

But when there were silver linings, they were on the darkest of clouds. That cloud being him having to interact with strangers. He grabbed his bag and let the strap rest on his shoulder. He put his gloves on, ready for the brush of the barista's hand against his. He exited the apartment building and headed to the nearest coffee shop.

He entered, the tiny jingle of the bell above alerting the staff members a little. He welcomed the air conditioner, knowing that gloves and a coat weren't appropiate for late summer. The counter was a few feet in front of him, and he closed the gap between him and the cool surface.

"Hey, how may I help you?" a staff member greeted him. Darker shades of gray dots sprinkled across his cheeks seemed to be lively just by his sly smile alone. He looked like someone completely satisfied with his life, even though he was merely taking someone's order. "Are you okay?" he said, taking notice of Alexander's blank stare.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Alexander apologized, stuffing his hands back in his pockets, "I'm just... not sure what half of these menu items are. My coffee machine broke, and..." He didn't know how to explain he just wanted a normal coffee.

The man's smile didn't falter as he said, "That's all right, I can give you a recommendation. My personal favorite is just a plain latte, I don't quite understand the menu either."

"I guess I'll take that to go, thank you," Alexander replied, taking out a five dollar bill. At least there were no other people in the line to be annoyed at Alexander's confusion. He looked down at the man's uniform to find his name tag. His name was John Laurens, so it seemed. Laurens put the money in the register and gave him his change. "So what should I write on your cup?" he asked, taking a permanent marker out.

"Alexander Hamilton," the other answered. Alexander didn't think ordering a coffee would take this much interaction, but that was the price of having a caffeine addiction. He waited in his spot, tugging off his gloves to use his phone. He scrolled through his social media. As he got to his older posts, he started to see how much his sense of humor was dwindling to this day.

"Here's your order, made to the best of my ability," Laurens said, snapping Alexander out of his trance. He held the cup out for Alexander to grab. Alexander put his gloves back on. Only then, he took the cup. "If it's not too intrusive, I was wondering why you're wearing a coat in the middle of a heat wave."

Alexander faltered. He wondered if it would be rude to say he didn't want to meet his soulmate. To most people, this would be the indicator that he would be an unpleasant friend. "I... I just got back from the ice rink," he said. He wasn't even sure there _was_ an ice rink in his city.

"Huh. Not everyday you meet an ice skater," Laurens commented. Alexander figured the shop never got too busy, as Laurens was at ease and clearly not having any thought of working.

Alexander's mind was spouting a million curses per minute. Backing out of his blatant lie, he said, "Oh no, don't call me a skater. I can barely even stand on the ice." Unfortunately, this was true. He never had any interest in skating, so he missed out on learning while he was in the age group where nobody criticized you for failing.

"Well, I do hope I can see you again," Laurens concluded the conversation when a girl approached the counter, "But I have a thing called a job." Though the wording was harsh, his tone was more playful than anything. It was a weird contrast for Alexander, who was used to monotone speech and the droning voice in his head that read documents.

He was glad he brought his gloves. If he didn't, that brush of his hand against John's would've destroyed his productivity. If Laurens wasn't his soulmate, he'd just obsess about how every time he let someone into his life, it wasn't what fate wanted. If he was, he wasn't sure what he'd do with himself.

But Laurens was just a barista. He didn't have to have this mental conflict everytime he talked with a stranger, but he did anyway. He unlocked his phone and went to his trusted source of information, the internet. He sighed when he searched the same question again. "How can I find my soulmate easily?" He knew it was unhealthy to obsess over it, but it was a neverending cycle of hoping and despairing.

The same guides popped up. Meet lots of strangers, don't be afraid to try new things, and don't be judgmental. Alexander rolled his eyes. It wasn't that easy, to just lay everything on the line in hopes of finding that one person. He'd rather spend his days in monochrome than risk everything for a person that might not even find him pleasant.

As for the coffee, it was what Alexander expected but a little more creamy and rich. What was also rich was a fleeting thought of his about getting another tomorrow. He glanced at his color wheel poster and compared the liquid to the labeled colors. Apparently his coffee was closest to the shade of gray called brown.

While he was on one of his breaks, he remembered to close the curtains. The sunlight irritated his eyes, and it had gotten to the point where he was seriously considering wearing sunglasses indoors.

He dimmed the laptop screen a little then resumed working. Like nothing before that moment happened, he found it easy to not miss his break because he was kept busy. No thoughts of soulmates would distract him again, and he never broke a promise to himself.

Until night came and he was lying in bed with no work to occupy him, that was when the thoughts would creep him. Daydreams of touching someone's hand would never lead to anything but bursts of gray color exploding in his mind. He didn't know how he was missing something he never had.

He took that thought to sleep with him. Tomorrow would be another day of working, wouldn't it?

The next day, Alexander's alarm clock blared in his apartment space. "Ah, god, I'm up. Be quiet," he said to nobody, tiredly placing his hands on the off button. "Why did I even set that alarm? It's not like anything's happening." He checked his calender for anything. Today, he was apparently scheduled to be at a meeting for a client in an hour, and the drive there would take thirty minutes. Alexander internally panicked.

First impressions mattered, so Alexander took a little more than five minutes to comb his hair. He looked in the mirror and wondered what kind of dark cave he stumbled out of to look this messy. He sighed, knowing his appearance didn't matter after today. He'd get the editing job, work on it, and send it back to them. He put his coat and gloves on, nothing new there.

Once he was there, he looked around the floor he was on. It was a stereotypical office, with the water cooler in the corner that had workers gathered around it. He didn't know what he expected. Alexander pulled his gloves higher and walked to the room reserved for the boss.

A man's waited outside the room. He saw Alexander and said, "You're the editor? Step on in, don't worry. He only _looks_ scary. I'm Thomas, by the way." They both stepped inside and stood in front of the desk.

"You're Alexander Hamilton?" the boss said, "I'm George. You can sit down if you want. I trust you brought some of your work?" Alexander paused. He forgot it at home, didn't he? "Well, I'm getting ahead of myself," George said, "The job is being a part-time editor for our dear marketer, Thomas Jefferson. His writing is a nightmare to read. I honestly would prefer to read aloud a list of slang words from the 90's than his average blog post."

Thomas looked a bit offended, but he let George continue. "Basically, all you need to know is how to format text and spell words like Pennsylvania." Alexander wasn't going to tell George he had thought Pennsylvania was spelled with only one N until he was informed differently a few days ago. He just nodded and smiled. "I'm going to go check up on a few workers. Thomas, you can see for yourself if he's right for the job."

As soon as George left, Thomas asked, "What's up with the winter attire? You're lucky we just fixed the air conditioner yesterday."

"Well, I just..." Alexander began saying, "I'm a huge germaphobe. I don't touch strangers, like, at all." That excuse was terrible. Why did he always have to mess things up?

Thomas was silent until a smirk crept onto his face. "Wait a minute... Mismatched clothes, the insistence on that outfit... And that excuse I've heard a million times before. You're clearly still looking."

"And do you have a problem with that?" Alexander asked, afraid of getting too ugly with him. Stable income was on the line here.

Thomas laughed. "I don't, really. It's just strange. If I were you, I'd be flaunting that fact. Make things quicker." He poked Alexander's nose. Alexander was relieved when nothing happened. He wouldn't know what to do if that was the moment. "See? Easy as that. If you're wondering, nothing happened." He already knew that, he'd never heard of a case of only one person experiencing color. Fate wasn't _that_ into messing with people, contrary to popular belief.

But Alexander knew it'd be a waste of time to explain why it wasn't that easy. He froze, not knowing how to say it. He had all these words firing off in his head, but they couldn't make it out into the real world. So he kept his mouth shut as Thomas examined him.

"Hey, are you okay?" Thomas said, but it was too late. Alexander was already convinced his concern was fake. He even still had that grin. "Did you forget your resume? It's not a problem, I really don't want to do another one of these interviews. Which means you're basically hired. Aren't you happy?"

Alexander just smiled and nodded. He was fine. Nothing needed to be heard from him. Absolutely nothing at all.


	2. The Chill Barista Hotline

**Thank you to everyone who left a review, favorited, or followed this story. Heck, I love everyone who even clicks on this story. Chapter three is in the works, though set back a little because things were progressing *too* quickly.**

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Alexander's headphones blared with the sounds of jazz as he strolled through the city streets. He was glad he got the job, though he didn't really feel like celebrating. Besides, he had no idea who he'd even celebrate with. Or how he celebrated. It's been too long since he last felt like he deserved praise.

He noticed his parched lips and idly thought about getting a drink. Not of the alcohol variety, who knows what he'd do under the influence? He shook his head, he was fully aware that he was far more passionate when he wasn't held back by his worries. Now that he had time to ponder on his cravings, he figured he could get a coffee. Yes, it would be awkward to bump into the same barista again, but Alexander figured it'd get easier the more he went. Plus, the office was right next to the coffee shop. How convenient.

The already familiar bell announced his arrival. Two people were joking with Laurens, and Alexander wished he hadn't felt a twinge of irritability. The line would take forever, but he knew he shouldn't get upset over people having fun. Alexander approached the counter.

"Excuse me? Can I talk to your manager?" one of them said, putting his hair up with a ponytail. "I cannot believe you would disrespect me in this way with your French stereotyping."

Alexander sighed, but Laurens grinned. He merely said, "Laf, you get croissants everytime you order." Laurens looked up and met Alexander's eyes. There was that feeling Alexander had, the need to hide his face, even though Laurens was nothing like Thomas. Even if they were strangers, Alexander could tell that much just from his attitude. Trying to be discreet, Laurens pointed out Alexander among his two friends, remaining silent about Alex's presence.

Then Laurens focused his attention on Alexander, greeting him with, "Oh, hey. Long time no see." Alexander didn't respond, which Laurens immediately picked up on. "So you're the silent type now or what?"

Alexander shrugged. "Once you get me started, you'll never call me the silent type ever again," he explained. Still, one question bugged him. "So you remember every customer that comes in here?"

"Not exactly, I don't remember the names. Not everyday I bother with faces," Laurens said, clearly trying to be cool. If Alexander tried leaning on a counter, he'd be teased. But for Laurens it worked. It seemed to come naturally to him.

The other man spoke up, "Come on, you work at a coffee shop. You bother with names everyday. Put 'Lafayette the loser' for his order, by the way." Laurens happily took his marker and seemed to write exactly that from what Alexander could tell. "Hey, I'll go ahead and apologize for Laurens too. He's the worst at trying to impress people."

Alexander cracked a smile at John's slip-up in his never bothered, cool, and collected persona. "It's okay, I just came here for a coffee," Alexander asserted, his voice picking up some energy. But then he felt stupid, why else would he come to a coffee shop?

"One latte, I suppose," Laurens said, walking off to make it. Alexander looked at his two other friends who were smiling.

"I'm Hercules," one of them said, "So what's your business with our dear friend Laurens?" Lafayette nodded.

Alexander quickly went to defend himself by saying, "I just want a coffee. I already got interrogated once today." The memories of the job interview still made him anxious despite the fact he got the job. He was confused though. He was just a stranger to these people, right?

There was an awkward silence as Lafayette and Hercules stared at each other, as if they were sharing a secret without any words. Laurens came back to the counter with a latte in hand. Lafayette grabbed it from his hands and scribbled something on the cup with John's marker. Hercules started snickering while Alexander merely placed his money on the counter.

Alexander grabbed the coffee with a very confused look on his face. He read the cup, which only had a phone number on it and a winking face on it. He exited the coffee shop, only hearing Laurens scream, "You gave him my number?! _Why_?!" And loud laughter following that moment.

Alexander decided not to look back, feeling the same awkwardness that he guessed Laurens was feeling. He felt his face get hot, matching the temperature of the latte in his hand. Alexander just wanted a coffee, he didn't want this.

He supposed he just wouldn't call. Why would he? It just wouldn't work between them, Alexander could tell that much. Though there had to be a reason his friends felt the need to give him John's number, he didn't feel the need to ponder on that. If Laurens was upset, clearly him calling would make it worse.

Alexander pulled out his phone, regretting every second he spent on his contacts. He wondered why he felt the need to add Laurens in. He supposed he just liked to have every bit of information he learned close by and typed his name with his number. Just in case.

His phone lit up with a text. Thomas, of course. Alexander pulled up the file Thomas sent him. Apparently Thomas was an advertiser for some company, most likely the same one he got interviewed in. Alexander sighed. Someone apparently didn't know proper nouns needed to be capitalized. He would have a lot of work to sift through when he got home.

So he kept strolling through the city. There was nothing like the summer in the area he lived in. It was heat wave after heat wave. He looked up and saw the same two guys from the coffee shop. Alexander pulled the hood of his jacket over his head, but it was too late.

Hand-in-hand, the couple marched towards Alexander. Why did he have to loiter outside the coffee shop? Lafayette was the first to speak, saying, "So...?"

"Why'd you feel the need to give me his number? Wait, was it some kind of joke?" Alexander asked. It wouldn't be the first time that situation had happened to him.

Hercules shook his head. "No, it's not like that," he responded, "It's just... It's hard to explain." Lafayette and Hercules seemed to communicate in mere shrugs and hand gestures. "Well, our friend Laurens. He's sort of a hermit. He's not a real people person."

"Really? I would've never guessed," Alexander replied, not trying to sound sarcastic because he genuinely meant that. Laurens seemed too playful and friendly to be a hopeless shut-in like he was.

Lafayette continued the conversation with, "So you'd do a huge favor to us by talking to him. He's a really great guy, I promise you'll love him to bits. Honestly, I can't see why he doesn't like people, I mean he's the most lovable—"

"He punched a guy in the face for insulting you," Hercules retorted, "But that just shows how passionate he is!" Alexander had a strange suspicion they were playing up John to make him sound better than he was. Which he didn't get, Laurens was fine enough on his own.

Alexander let himself smile and said, "Well, I appreciate you advertising your friend, but..." He saw the enthusiastic faces of the two of them and sighed. A part of him felt like this would be needed for them getting off his back, so he said, "One time. I'll call him one time." A part of him also wanted to add in a threat or convince them to throw in something to make the deal worthwhile, but he didn't feel like the effort would be worth it.

"That's more than we could ever hope for," Lafayette said. Alexander had no idea why he was doing this. He didn't even like calls. In fact, why was he spouting that part-of-me crap? He wanted to make decisions that every part of him agreed with. That's why he didn't like this socializing business. All those conflicting feelings messing up your head and getting into your mind.

Back at home, he was comforted by heavy blankets and huge pillows. With his phone in his hands and his coffee long gone, he pulled up John's number. He wondered how he was going to play this. Does he admit that John's friends set him up? Does he compliment Laurens? What is he even going to talk about? He called him.

Surprisingly, Laurens picked up despite not knowing his number. "Hi?" Alexander dragged out. Yeah, he was screwed if this was the best greeting his mind could come up with.

"Um... hello person my friends were dicks to," Laurens said, then asking, "How are you enjoying the chill barista hotline, where I put the hot in hotline?"

Alexander almost chuckled. It was a little funny to hear the blatant nervousness in John's voice. "I'd recommend it to my friends, if I had any." He couldn't remember his last real friend. The only person who really stuck around for him was his mother, and look where that got her.

"Pfft, yeah. I wish I had more friends, but I don't get along easily with other people," Laurens said.

Alexander responded quickly, "No way." Then he remembered that story about Laurens punching someone in the face. He continued, "You're too..." He couldn't find the right word that was appropriate. He wanted the use the word nice, but he had just met the guy yesterday.

"Lovely? Amazing? Cool?" Laurens suggested. Alexander cracked a half-smile, he liked how Laurens thought. He wished he had that kind of self-confidence. He just didn't find much to like about him except his writing, the only stable thing in his life.

Alexander replied, "Hm, I can't say I know for sure yet." He wasn't one to lie, and this was the closest he could get to the truth about his feelings for Laurens. He was nice, but Alexander felt awkward that this was how he was holding a conversation with him. Because his friends set Alexander up to talk to him.

"So..." Laurens said, the conversation running dry. Just when Alexander was about to hang up and bury his face in a pillow, Laurens asked, "What'cha doing?"

Nevermind, Alexander still wanted to hang up. But he continued to stick around by saying, "Laying in my bed, probably going to start work soon on this writing." Thomas' embarrassment of a passage was staring him down in all of its maximum font size glory.

"Oh, so you're a writer?" Laurens asked. Alexander found that an excellent question, his computer storing many manuscripts and essays from college. What had gotten him that scholarship in the first place was a poetry contest. The change from writer to editor was so subtle, Alexander didn't even notice he stopped writing until Laurens pointed it out.

Alexander dragged out the words, "Um... yes." Technically everyone who has ever written is a writer, but that didn't make Alexander feel any better for sort of lying to a person he met twice.

Alexander almost slapped himself. He had met Laurens only twice and he was already doubting his plans for life. Yet he was going to be working with Thomas and he would feel nothing if he punched him in the face. Laurens suddenly said, "That's really cool! I have a lot of ideas, but they don't work when I put them on paper, so it's just all over the place."

"Wow... thanks," Alexander responded, trying desperately to focus on something else other than the compliment that sounded so genuine. He idly browsed the web with his phone in one hand. Not wanting to achieve much of anything today, he clicked on a quiz titled, "Answer 7 Random Questions and Find Out Your Soulmate's Initials." Probably fake, but he needed _something_ to do.

"Well... uh... I really need to get back to work. Boss is getting on my back, but I don't regret picking up. Bye for now?" Laurens inquired, implying that there would be a later. And god did Alexander want and hate the thought of a later meeting.

Instead, he simply replied, "Yeah, sure." He hanged up and focused his attention on the quick, which he was five questions through. After answering that he resonated most with the word passion and that he was a night owl, he waited for his results.

Then his laptop restarted suddenly to update, closing all of his tabs. Alexander swore loudly, not realizing how invested he had become in knowing the traits of his soulmate.

He loved and hated himself for how weak he'd become to the idea that he was ready to be with someone. He didn't even realize how quickly it had happened, and he definitely didn't know why. Maybe fate was trying to push him into someone's arms.

"Pfft, yeah right," Alexander said, debunking his own thoughts. Knowing him, the day he finds his soulmate would also be the worst day of his life due to some terrible misunderstanding.

Like he needed more stress in his life.


	3. Into Focus

The next few days, Alexander found himself calling the 'Chill Barista Hotline.' For a number of reasons why. Maybe he got done with editing early, maybe he had no other jobs, and sad as he was to admit it, maybe he did sort of want someone to talk to.

Alexander sighed, holding the phone in his hands. "I need a hobby," he lamented around the second to third ring. He hid his face in his free hand, feeling his face heat up. It was his life, but he felt embarrassed that he was using it to call someone who probably thought he was unlikable and horrible.

"Hey, Alex," Laurens greeted, "Welcome back to the hotline, anything on your mind?" Alexander felt his heart pound in his chest. He was not prepared, so he focused on his breathing until he knew what to say.

Alexander, acting like he was not breaking down, said, "Yeah, I was wondering if... we could hang out." Every part of his being finally got its shit together just to yell at him about what he was doing. He didn't know why he asked that. It was just on his mind and then it was out of his mouth.

"Oh, really?" Laurens asked. This was his chance to take it back, call it all off. Until Laurens continued, "Don't take that the wrong way, I want to hang out. I do, and my friends already really like you, and it's like _woah, how did this_ _happen?"_ Alexander thought the rambling suited Laurens more than his usual quiet and mysterious demeanor. He then continued with, "Well, I was already planning to hang out with my friends after work, so you can tag along. I get off around five, so you have time to finish up your... whatever you do."

Laurens laughed while Alexander was already scrambling to get ready. First of all, put pants on. That was an essential step, along with buttoning up his coat and tracking down his lost glove. Fortunately, his apartment was small enough so that anything missing wouldn't be for long. Before long, he had everything together and was feeling sharp.

He looked towards his dusting glasses, forgotten on a shelf. He knew he was nearsighted, but apparently more so in one eye. If he closed his right eye, the world blurred as his left eye absolutely sucked at being an eye. Even so, the glasses were only tailored to help one eye, and it hurt to wear for his other. So there they would stay.

Placing his headphones in his ears, he almost forgot that he was still calling Laurens. "Alex, I'm gonna assume you forgot to hang up. Which is all right with me, because I forgot to give you my address. But if you turn out to be a murderer, I'm gonna be one pissed off ghost." Laurens laughed, then supplied his address to an Alexander whom was armed with pen and paper.

There was an awkward silence as Alexander wrote John's address down. Alexander didn't know why, but he felt like something needed to be said. Or else it would be rude to hang up? Maybe, but he wasn't exactly sure that was it.

And then, Laurens said, "Hey, I'm not sure if you're a big drinker, but I just wanted to let you know Lafayette's bringing champagne, wine... Whatever fancy people like him get drunk on."

"That's fine with me," Alexander responded, even though he hadn't touched a drop of alcohol in years. He thought about college, and how stupid he was back then. Finally ready for what was coming, he marched out the door.

Alexander cleared his throat as he stood his ground on the doorsteps to Laurens' house. He didn't question how a minimum wage barista could afford a house until Hercules burst open the door and had him speechless for a few seconds.

"Welcome to the Mulligan, Laurens, and Lafayette household, Alex. Or as I like to call it, the Mulletterens." Hercules said, answered Alexander's irrelevant question. Alexander stepped inside, only getting more nervous when a wave of air conditioning hit him. He hated the experience of entering someone else's home. He just couldn't shake the feeling of how he didn't belong.

All of his feelings aside, his face lit up when he saw Laurens. "Yo, Alex. It's good to see you. Hercules has agreed to be the sober one tonight, so you're free to just go ahead," Laurens rambled, his usual way of being friendly.

"Wait... isn't the sober friend the one that usually drives?" Alexander asked. He had read several works of fiction with that and was sure that was a thing that happened in real life.

Laurens nodded and said, "Yeah, but Hercules is the one who'll make sure we don't jump out of a window again or other equally crazy things." Alexander went to ask but Laurens explained with, "It was a really intense game of tag, Alex." Alexander nodded in slight understanding but mostly confusion.

Lafayette was already on the couch, swirling the wine in his cup. He gave off the image of fancy gentlemen, with the reality that he was already a little tipsy.

"So what's the occasion?" Alexander asked. Giving a polite smile to Hercules, he took the cup of wine that the other offered him.

Hercules explained, "The anniversary of our friendship and all that. We just made it a random day since we all forgot the exact day we met." Alexander sipped out of the glass. The taste was bitter, but it reminded him of cinnamon. So all in all, it wasn't that bad, but maybe it was just because it was his first taste of it. In college, he mostly got drunk off of cheap beers which still left a bad taste in his mouth. Both metaphorically and literally.

Alexander reminded himself that his 'everything is a metaphor' attitude was getting old. His blurred vision was a metaphor for how he didn't have a direction in life. His gloves were a metaphor for anxiety. He was just here to have a good time, not bore everyone to death with philosophical rants. Honestly, he wasn't in some soap opera. There would be no tragic misunderstandings.

"Alex? Alexis? Lex? Snap out of it or I will call you more embarrassing names," Laurens threatened, trying to get Alexander's attention. "We're gonna order some pizza. Hey, are you vegetarian? Because we're getting pepperoni and it'd be awkward if you had nothing... So..."

Alexander realized how hungry he really was. He hadn't eaten any lunch or breakfast today. And he couldn't remember if he even ate dinner last night. He supposed he just got too busy and forgot. "No... it's fine. Just get whatever," Alexander responded. He thought it was a bit odd that Laurens seemed to switch from confident and chill to awkward rambling. He couldn't tell which side he liked better.

Meanwhile, Lafayette and Hercules were talking on the couch. It was very obvious that the two were talking about them, as they would point them out sometimes. Alexander knew he would have to teach them the art of subtlety.

"So what's it like living on your own?" Laurens asked, sneaking glances at Hercules trying to order pizza.

Alexander shrugged, and said, "About what'd you expect. Nobody trying to take your stuff, nobody cooking, and nobody to talk to. It's not that bad if you know how to keep yourself busy." And if he kept himself busy, he found that he didn't focus as much on how godawful he was. But a person like Laurens wouldn't want to hear about how he thought about himself. "It's definitely better than the dorms they provide you in college." That part was the most truthful thing he had said that hour.

"Really? What'd you major in?" Laurens asked him. Alexander only answered with English, but it was enough to get the gears in John's head to start spinning. "I mean, you'll probably think I'm weird, but I think that's really cool... Okay, now I just made it obvious that I haven't been."

Fate must've either been busy before or had gotten sick of their slowly forming friendship, because Alexander was asking, "You haven't been to college?" faster than his train of thought could run. A virtually impossible feat which led to John trying to stutter out an answer.

"Well, I can't exactly afford it," was John's final answer, "It's a long story with a lot of stupid decisions and not-so-happy happenings, but it led to me being a barista in New York." The story in question was a mystery to even Alexander, but now that the question had been raised, he was wondering how Laurens ended up here. But Laurens changed the subject before Alexander could say anything by asking, "Hey, I can't be the only one with a crummy origin story, right?"

And then Alexander blanked. Laurens was close, but not that close enough to hear about storms that washed away entire villages. "Long story?" Alexander offered, "But don't worry, you can hear all about the other horrible things that have happened to the likes of me. Specifically the me after nineteen."

But before telling one of his stories, he goes to refill his wine glass. This happens several times throughout the story, until Alexander is slightly tipsy. Everything seemed the same with him, except for the fact that he couldn't tell when to shut up.

"So then there's this guy in college. His name's Maddie, I think? But I won't call him that anymore because he sucks. He somehow tolerates my longwinded speeches about... whatever," Alexander rambled, "So we're a decent couple two months in, when I hear he's planning to run off with some other dude because they're _soulmates._ Yeah, big mistake on my part, but I got my satisfaction after mailing him my break-up essay. Needless to say, last time I got into a relationship."

"Ugh, those types of people are the worst," Laurens said. Alexander couldn't really tell if he was drunk, but it seemed he was from the sheer amount he was consuming. "How long was the essay? A couple of pages?"

Alexander tilted his glass as he answered weakly with, "Ten pages. Broke two pencils while writing it." He had no idea why he remembered all of this, but he knew that memory was the beginning of the end for him. It led to a glove-wearing, self-deprecating person sitting on couch next to an equally awkward Laurens.

"So you really think the soulmate system is awful?" Laurens guessed.

Alexander froze and somehow managed to get out a, "Is there anything wrong with that?"

"No, um... Not at all," Laurens answered, "I just think that the system only really works when you wait for fate to do its job."

Alexander sighed. He knew Laurens was right, he just hated how complicated it was. Couldn't fate just have his soulmate randomly bump into him on the street instead of him having to do everything? His only response was, "Well, if fate's listening... I'm not getting any younger here."

"Yeah, it's hard being friends with the couple that found out they were soulmates at five," Laurens said, referring to Hercules and Lafayette. "Talk about bragging rights on the playground."

Alexander only asked in return if Laurens was okay. The only response he got was Laurens' head finding its place on his shoulder. Fortunately, Alexander hadn't forgotten his coat.

Unfortunately, he couldn't remember anything pass that point besides Laurens asking, "Did you see that?" and jolting up in surprise. Alexander jumped too, probably because of Laurens' sudden movement. He then answered that he didn't see anything and promptly passed out.

Apparently he was a lightweight. Who knew?


	4. Predictable

One night was all it took to finally push Alexander into believing that maybe someone was destined to be with him. Maybe it was because of what was happening over these past few weeks. As unlucky as that person was, Alexander already found himself hoping it was one person.

John Laurens visited his apartment, like he usually did when Alexander wanted to hang out. There wasn't much room, so Laurens usually sat next to Alexander and watched him work, cracking jokes.

Today was no exception. With Thomas' latest disaster of spelling mistakes, it had left Alexander speechless. Laurens quickly muttered to him, "Maybe he does this on purpose to fuck with you. It's surprisingly effective at pissing people off." That was very likely, Alexander wasn't convinced that someone this bad at writing was a marketer. And strangely enough, that was exactly what Alexander had thought.

So they sat in silence, deciphering what Thomas meant slowly but surely. It was peaceful just laying next to Laurens. Normally, with his friends, he was a little more hyperactive and driven. But now Alexander got what Laurens meant when he said he was chill. In a way, just sitting with him was getting to know him in ways Alexander couldn't by talking to him. Alexander smiled. He found that figuring out things about people that even they didn't know was enjoyable.

"Hey, Alex," Laurens said, getting his attention off of his laptop screen. "We've been friends for a while, right?" Alexander already knew this was going to get personal. No casual conversations start with reconfirmation about a particular relationship.

"Of course, Laurens," he responded, trying not to show his nervousness. In fact, he could consider Laurens his closest friend. Which was pretty sad to him, considering he only met him a month ago. How did time fly by that quickly? He wondered how they became close in such a short span of time.

Laurens thought about how to phrase his question, which only further worried Alexander. He was trying not to tell Laurens to spit it out already, and he hoped it didn't show. "What's the deal with the gloves?" Laurens burst out. He held up Alexander's hand, with the aforementioned garment on. "I know it's personal, really, but it's honestly a bit surprising you wear them everyday."

The ice rink lie couldn't go on forever, Alexander supposed. Even though he had only spouted that lie once, and Laurens probably didn't even remember that. But still, the question lingered in his head. "You won't hate me, right?" Alexander asked, the words finally forming a sentence.

"Alex, whatever the reason is, I'd be a dick if I started hating you now," Laurens said, not really grasping how nervous Alexander was. But he still had a look of understanding.

Alexander sighed, tugging at his gloves, but not quite taking them off. "They're reassuring. I don't have to worry about looking for a soulmate when I have them on. I don't have to worry about people, really."

"So you're waiting for fate?" Laurens asked. The only thing Alexander thought about next was the fact that maybe fate was waiting for him. He only shrugged in response.

Alexander watched as Laurens fiddled with his hands. "Hey, Alex? Promise not to call me a weirdo."

"There's not much weirder than a person who sleeps with gloves on," Alexander admitted, "I have no room to discuss any of your weirdness."

Laurens got the question out quickly. "Have you noticed that we're getting super close?"

"We are?" Alexander asked bluntly, "I mean, I wouldn't know how fast friendships go." He had abandoned his laptop by now, having closed it a few minutes ago.

Laurens explained further, "I know this is what a high person would say, but it's like we get each other. We already know our boundaries. I don't have to say how I'm feeling, it's honestly a weird kind of close."

"Yeah, you're probably high. Good thing I'm not an undercover cop," Alexander said, laughing. "But seriously, it's cool. I get it. I'm surprised we haven't started finishing each other's sentences."

Alexander felt a twinge of happiness when Laurens smiled and said, "No time like the present." They sat in silence while Alexander clicked around.

Laurens sipped from his water bottle, and it was clear from its transparency that he was drinking coffee. Alexander looked at him and asked, "Can I have some?"

"What is with your coffee addiction?" Laurens retorted, "Do all people who go to college rely on coffee?"

Alexander said, "Hey. That is a harmful stereotype. Some of us rely on energy drinks. And one percent of us chase caffeine pills down with a mixture of energy drinks and coffee. That one percent is me."

"The fact that you're alive is a miracle," Laurens said, shaking his head, "Just take my coffee, it's getting cold anyway. On the house." He passed the bottle to him and Alexander chugged it.

Alexander felt a sense of comfort knowing that he wasn't getting judged. Like he was alone, but better perhaps. Or maybe that was the coffee talking. He tended to have idiotic thoughts alongside his brew. His laptop lit up, someone was apparently trying to video chat him. "Excuse me, I have to take this," Alexander explained with a smile, picking up the call.

"Oh, it's just Thomas," Alexander said when he saw who was on the other end of the call. He wondered what he could possibly want with him.

Laurens leaned over and whispered, "Is this your boss or something? He looks like a boss kind of guy." Alexander shrugged. Every time he's seen Thomas, he was in a suit. Whether that's uniform or just Thomas showing off, only he would know.

"He wishes he could be my boss," Alexander said, intentionally loud enough for Thomas to hear.

Thomas retorted, "Hey, I can fire you. So watch your mouth." Alexander found himself not worried about this. Any other day, he'd be begging for forgiveness. But now he realized that Thomas couldn't afford to fire him. He had some value as a person after all.

After staring at Alexander's stupidly confident grin, Thomas backed down and said, "Whatever. I just called to make sure you wouldn't just take the paycheck and run."

"Thomas, I have a thing called a reputation," Alexander said in return. It was true. He didn't have the privilege of skimping on a job. He couldn't afford to skip out on work.

Thomas shifted his gaze to him and said, "Says the person who didn't even bother to turn in a resume." Alexander shrugged, knowing he was right about that. But not that right. Thomas picked up the phone and started talking while Alexander waits patiently for them to continue their argument.

"Mhm, yep," Thomas said in reply, smiling in a sickly sweet sort of way, "Wouldn't miss it for the world. I'll get everything ready." Alexander used this moment to fake-gag silently and watch as Laurens cracked up. He hung up and looked at them blankly, then said, "Listen, I have to go. Don't forget you have a deadline."

Thomas hung up on him quickly after. Alexander scoffed, muttering, "He couldn't possibly miss the… idiot convention. And besides, deadlines are fine with me."

Laurens pointed to a message. "It's due in two hours. Are you sure you're fine?"

Alexander was confident as he said, "Doesn't matter if I'm finished." He didn't know how to answer the second question.

"Are you?" Laurens asked skeptically.

"Am I?" Alexander wondered out loud, still maintaining a calm air around him. He looked at the unfinished editing he had in front of him. "Laurens, I am, how the French say, screwed," he said, examining all of the mistakes, worrying that he was missing a bunch by frantically skimming the contents.

"Nah, you're not. Two hours is plenty of time," Laurens retorted despite knowing how many mistakes Thomas made. "See, dilemma's spelled wrong."

Alexander shook his head. "It's spelled with an N, I'm pretty sure of that." Spelling was not one of his strong suits though, and he seriously doubted that he was all that intelligent when it came to language. Still, Laurens was looking at him like he should know this stuff. "I went to school, got my grades, I don't need that anymore," Alexander said, "Got my overpriced piece of paper behind me and my grammar checker opened on my screen."

That look was still burning into him, and now Alexander felt like he said something wrong. "Do you also feel passionate about the issue of student loans?" Alexander asked, trying to guess what was getting under the other's skin.

Laurens sighed. "Maybe? I don't know, just feels frustrating to be where I am right now."

"Hey, I was there too," Alexander tried to comfort him, an odd sort of empathy unfolding within him.

"Did you have to finish highschool online?" Laurens asked, "Can you find the time to find a college who'll pick up the late bloomer who doesn't do much impressing?"

Laurens wasn't mad at him, Alexander reminded himself before he went and opened his mouth. "We've all struggled. I had to work for everything I have, and it still isn't enough."

"Yeah, but you know what you want to do," Laurens retorted, "You have a skill to fall back on. Me? I'm good at sketching, maybe I could excel in science if I really tried. I don't have this one skill I've mastered." He dryly chuckled. "You know that phrase? Jack of all trades, master of none?"

But oftentimes better than a master of one?" Alexander finished the phrase for Laurens. Somehow with the last part, the whole meaning is changed. There's a new spin on it, a new change. And sometimes change was good.

Laurens started laughing again. "And now you're finishing my sentences. But still, probably would've been better to have been born a writing genius."

"Laurens, my dear Laurens, don't call me a writing genius when I have a grammar checker and a person that constantly corrects my spelling," Alexander explained.

"Can I borrow your gloves?" Laurens asked out of the blue.

"What?" Alexander immediately responded, "Yeah, I guess you can." He took his gloves off and tossed them towards Laurens. The other took a solid few seconds trying to get it on without any mishap.

"Surprisingly comfortable," Laurens noticed. He turned towards him and poked his nose. "Boop," Laurens said. Alexander scrunches his nose up in a joking manner. Despite Thomas ruining the gesture, it was somehow revived. It was less patronizing and more endearing.

"Never do that again," Alexander asserted, trying not to laugh. Laurens then poked him again.

Alexander glared at him. Laurens then said, "All right, I'll stop. Let's get serious." He thought to himself on how to phrase the question. "Do you want to go out? With our friends, we're going to hit up a firework show and steal all the free food."

"Yeah, sure. I could use some free food," Alexander said, smiling. "And plus, I need a reason to get out more. I don't want to be like you, only hanging out with me."

"Hey," Laurens returned, "I have a life outside of being your friend. For example, yesterday I went to work…" There was an awkward silence as Laurens searched for something to say. "I need a hobby," he finally said.

Alexander smirked. "The tables have turned, it appears. Who's the boring one now?"

"Still you," Laurens said, "For example, I have dated two people. Take that."

Alexander pulled out a notebook from the side of his bed. "I've dated one girl for a few months. A girl for a year. That dude in college. One dude, only lasted for one night. I think there's more?"

"Last time I checked, I was the people person," Laurens stated.

Alexander then affirmed, "Ah, blame me for enjoying some alone time. You could use some, it does wonders." And besides, he has never seen Laurens alone. He just couldn't avoid people, and frankly, Alexander thought he wasn't even trying to avoid anyone.

He wondered what that was like, constantly being in the eyes of someone. Suppose he pursued that thought. But mostly, he was excited for the fireworks. Though it wasn't a holiday per se, he knew he couldn't miss it.

He knew he was changing. But this change was good, he was sure of it.

* * *

 **A special thanks to my friends, for putting up with me trying to push through this writer's block. As for chapter 5, expect sparks to fly. Sorry for the firework pun.**


	5. Weak

The first sound Alexander heard as he woke up was him falling out of his bed. The clock on the wall had its hand set to sometime in the afternoon, implying Alexander stayed up most of the night. What he did? Complete every last bit of work Thomas had given him until he could no longer keep himself awake with music.

Alexander scrolled through his feed with an empty look in his eyes, nothing better to do. He felt awful for messing up his sleep schedule, but it wasn't like he had anything to do today. With a quick glance at the calendar, and doubts in his head, his fear had come true again. He had forgotten about the firework show.

The color wheel poster hung on the wall next to it, taunting him. It was hard not to want to experience the explosion of fireworks in full color. He once thought he was done with wanting, but that was thrown away once he started feeling pangs of envy upon seeing other couples. He hadn't felt envy before, but now it was like a bitter taste in his mouth.

Alexander shot a text to Laurens, saying he was getting ready. Though the show started at eight, there was a lot of work that needed to be done with himself. Both physically and mentally. After thinking this over in the shower, Alexander decided to put on his signature coat, which quickly warmed him up after a particularly cold shower. Not for any reason other than the water heater wasn't working, of course.

But when he reached for his desk to grab his gloves, his hands only met wood. His mind ran a million miles per hour as he tried to remember where he last put him. Those gloves were his barrier, he couldn't just _lose_ them.

Wait a second. Did he ever get his gloves back from Laurens? Alexander reached for his phone, ready to call Laurens to calmly ask him to please return his gloves. Like he was going into withdrawal, he worried when Laurens didn't pick up.

Alexander then realized that it was a very real possibility that he would have to suck it up and go out. Maybe it would turn out okay. Maybe he'd be okay. Maybe he wouldn't ruin everything. Oh god, he was spiraling.

He tried to focus on the positive. Maybe he'd find his soulmate somehow, through some weird twist of fate. He held his hands still, but his heart still raced. When had his apartment become so small?

Then his phone lit up, a subtle reminder that he was grounded. Alexander took a quick look at the text from Hercules and froze. Hercules had texted him, "How are you and Laurens doing?"

"What do you mean?" Alexander replied, thinking this was some kind of joke. They were doing fine, nothing was wrong with what they had. Was something wrong? Alexander wondered if something happened to the other.

He was surprised when all he got back was, "Okay, to the point is your style. You have a crush on him? Thanks for forcing me to use the most middle school word ever." Well, shocked would be a more appropriate word. They had known each other for weeks, though Alexander supposed that was a good amount of time to not sound pathetic when you call someone close. Did he? That was the good question.

As soon as they met, Alexander had been noticing how Hercules and Lafayette would subtly point him out. He had brushed it off, but now it seemed like they knew something he didn't. Back to the question Alexander didn't seem to know how to answer. He wasn't sure if he wanted to date Laurens.

For example, he could be misinterpreting his feelings and wasting everyone's time like he always thought he did. Or he could pass up this opportunity and watch Laurens get married to some dude. Oh god, did Laurens even like dudes? What if Laurens ran off with someone like Jefferson? And then on their wedding day, Laurens flips him off in a wedding dress as Jefferson hands him his termination notice?

He needed to stop overthinking. Laurens probably wouldn't like Jefferson in that way. Just in case, he called Thomas in a frenzy. "Hello?" Thomas greeted, unsure about the unscheduled call he got from the other.

"Yes, hello Thomas. Don't take this the wrong way, but are you in a relationship?" Alexander got out quickly, disgusted he was even asking that to him.

Thomas was speechless for a few seconds, only saying, "Why do you need to know this? To answer your question, yes, I am in a happy relationship." Alexander celebrated, maybe a bit too loud. Thomas then asked, "So is that rumor about you being a homewrecker true?"

"What? No!" Alexander responded quickly. Thomas laughed on the other end, and Alexander realized it was a joke. He didn't realize people like Thomas could make those. When Thomas had nothing more to say, Alexander took the liberty of hanging up, throughly embarrassed.

So one of his worries were gone. On the subject of whether he liked Laurens, he had finally made up his mind. He thought that he should give it a shot, since something had to be there if Alexander had managed to open up so quickly. It was almost like Laurens was the magnet to Alexander, him being a metal wedge forcing himself into his group.

A sense of dread overwhelmed him as he heard a knock on his door. He opened it to find both Lafayette and Hercules, smiling widely. "Where's Laurens?" Alexander asked without thinking.

"He went ahead of us," Lafayette said, "Us, on the other hand, have the duty of picking you up." The two, both smirking, led Alexander downstairs to get him inside their car. Alexander assumed that this car was shared as well.

Hercules asserted himself in the passenger seat and grinned at Lafayette. "Fine, I'll drive," Lafayette said without asking. Alexander watched as Hercules looked at the mirror facing him. He wondered if Hercules was going to ask what his answer was.

Alexander supposed he'd rip off the bandage. Or throw away the grenade before it explodes, a more accurate phrase for his confused state. "Herc," he called, making sure he was paying attention, "To answer your text, yes."

Lafayette silently celebrated, hinting to Alexander that the two exchange secrets like some sort of gossip mill. Alexander shrugged it off, anything he told Hercules he was fine with telling Lafayette. Lafayette sped off, giving Alexander a warning that he should probably buckle up.

"So why exactly is Laurens not with you guys?" Alexander questioned the two. Then he froze. Did they _kidnap_ him?

Lafayette took a quick glance back at him and said, "He's fine, better than fine now that we gave him a whole new look."

"We literally just put a new outfit on him, Laf. But considering he's either in his uniform or some combination of t-shirt and jeans, this is an entirely new look," Hercules explained. Alexander was confused but satisfied with the vague answer. He wondered if he should say something in response.

Alexander watched as the two discuss how they discovered their status as soulmates. Apparently, it was a game of tag. It was hard not to feel bad as he was stuffed with stories about primary school romance. He wondered how Laurens survived these two everyday.

The rest of the ride went in silence, at least for Alexander. The two in the front chatted endlessly about various topics. One minute it's the economy, and then it's about granola bars. How that jump was made, Alexander would never know.

"I had to rip the chocolate from John's hands," Hercules said. Alexander perked up. What did he miss in this conversation? "I swear he turns all of his stress into sugar cravings. You wouldn't have any idea what he's nervous about, right?"

They both couldn't stop themselves from laughing. Apparently Alexander was being excluded from some sort of secret about Laurens. "We're here," Lafayette said, stopping the car.

Once Lafayette had parked, Alexander got out to greet someone tapping their foot impatiently. He froze in his place, not entirely believing that the outfit was the only thing changed about Laurens. "See how much more amazing you look when you get clothes your size?" Lafayette encouraged, smiling at Laurens.

"You didn't tell me they would take an hour to get every single one of my measurements," Laurens complained, "Somebody please take his money away."

"Dibs," Alexander said, finally finding something to say. He wondered how he was going to control himself without his gloves. He couldn't just start shaking hands.

Lafayette ran off, probably spotting someone he knew. Hercules gave a knowing look to Alexander and sped off to keep up with his partner. "I'm guessing you're uncomfortable," Alexander assumed.

John shrugged. "It doesn't look that bad on me. I just don't like... _dressy_ stuff."

"How did you survive prom night?" The other asked, snickering.

"Too soon, Alex. Too soon," Laurens responded, "I was serving hungover teens the next morning, and that's my prom experience." If nervous tough guys were a thing, as contradictory as it seemed, Laurens would be the walking definition of one. Lafayette was walking back with two other people.

Wait. As they got clearer and clearer, Alexander could not deny that was the face of Thomas. And then his heart dropped. "Madison?" he guessed. He resisted the urge to groan. Of course he had to be here.

"Alex, hey..." the man greeted, rubbing his neck. "How are you?"

Alexander admitted he was still a nice guy. A nice guy that backstabbed him, but still polite. "How's your upgrade?" Alexander merely asked, shrugging. Thomas glared at him.

"Okay, wow," Madison said, "Glad to see you got over it so well." Lafayette tensed up, probably about to ask about the situation. There were still bitter feelings in the air, and Thomas was ready to pummel Alexander.

"Um, hi you two," Laurens said, a little too positive for the moment. "I'm John Laurens. Alexander has told me so much about you guys." Madison rolled his eyes, knowing everything Alexander had said was negative towards the two.

Madison then smiled. "It was a pleasure to meet you. I'm going to go set up the chairs, Thomas." The group followed him though, leaving Alexander and Laurens alone.

"We have to sit next to them," Alexander blankly said, "I don't want to." His face went hot, usually the first symptom of frustrated crying. "I don't want to remember that stuff. It only holds me back." That was the only way he could really put into words why it hurt. He didn't want to date Madison, far from it, but it was in his instincts to feel betrayed.

Laurens sighed. "Alex, it'll get better. The memories won't fade, but you can make better ones." He thought to himself for a moment, his face unreadable. "Here, let's try something. Tell me the absolute first thing you said to Madison."

Alexander quietly chuckled, wiping one of his eyes. "Wanna know what this jacket's made of?"

"Alex, please tell me it's not—"

"Boyfriend material," Alexander said, interrupting Laurens' complaint. "No wonder he ran off," he continued, not at all serious by this point.

"I'd be too confused to run off," Laurens said, then asking, "Hey, Alex, can I let you in on something?" Alexander shrugged, expecting some kind of conspiracy theory or Laurens joking that he was actually a cyborg. Laurens sighed. "Okay, so I didn't want to mess this up..."

The rant continued, "So I asked Laf to help me out with _this_. Herc kind of encouraged me to invite you, and I guess they just wanted to make sure we were... y'know." So the two had been planning something, Alexander was right in suspecting something was off. "And the point I'm trying to make is that I really don't want to hurt you because—"

"It's okay," Alexander said, seeing that Laurens was anxious as well. "I'm nervous too, if that helps." That didn't seem to help, Laurens looked as if he were about to rant again. "And you don't have to protect me from some truth, I'm just glad for some honesty," Alexander said, finally racking up enough courage to do the unimaginable. He hugged Laurens, closing his eyes and stalling the fact that he would face what would happen next.

He opened his eyes, ready to see something, anything. But all he saw were the same shades of gray.

It was just monochrome.

He had his hopes pinned that it would be Laurens, but fate apparently wanted him with someone else if everything he believed was true. "Laurens, can we go to the chairs? I think I'm ready." In reality, he was drained, frustrated, needy, and other awful moods.

"Y-Yeah, let's go," Laurens said, trying to cover up the awkward air around them. They walked together, but Alexander resisted the urge to hold John's hand. He had given in with Madison, and look where that got them. If they weren't meant to be, what was the point of trying to tempt fate?

"I heard they're giving out sparklers," John said, putting his hands in his pockets. Alexander goes a bit faster, which prompted Laurens to comment, "Can't our friends wait?" He was suggesting alone time. Alexander wasn't sure if he could handle that, not anymore. He supposed it was human instinct to want to avoid the person responsible for your pain, though Laurens was innocent.

The fireworks went off in the sky just before the group saw them. Alexander couldn't even control himself for a minute. He felt awful as he put Laurens' hand in his own. John's face was still unreadable. Shocked? Confused? Amazed? He couldn't tell.

After tonight, the gloves were sure to come back on. After tonight, he might need to cut himself off. But he took what he had for a moment. Then he realized how close Hercules and Lafayette had gotten, and he stopped making contact with Laurens. The smile on John's face dropped, noticing the two as well.

"Well," Lafayette started, smiling widely, "As usual, I get the job done." Alexander sighed, knowing he was eventually going to have to tell Hercules and Lafayette. But Laurens was his priority. Was he ever going to acknowledge the fact that he didn't see color? Did Laurens care?

Alexander felt the guilt piling up again, and he tried to focus on Laurens. Maybe it was delayed. He's _supposed_ to see something, that's how it worked. Love came with a saturated and colorful world, he was promised that. So were his feelings faked? Maybe he was fake. But he knew he needed to go.

He walked over to Thomas, who was staring at the sky in bliss. "Thomas, can I apologize for recent events that have occured?" he asked, trying to get only his attention. Unfortunately, Madison looked up as well.

Thomas exhaled, saying, "You want me to stage some sort of situation so you can leave because of your feelings and shit." Harsh, but completely right.

"Yes, that'd be more than enough," Alexander said.

Thomas was about to say something, but Madison nudged him. Alexander looked at them in confusion. He would never understand how soulmates could communicate like that. Thomas finally answered with, "Go. I'll make up something."

Alexander was lucky he recognized the area, it made it easy to just bolt then and there. After a few minutes of walking down the sidewalks, Thomas texted him, "Told them there was an emergency meeting. Madison also told me to tell you to take care of yourself."

He sighed, knowing Madison was right. He was always right, but he was still wrong. Alexander knew he wasn't worth taking care of. He'd never see color, and now it bothered him. So he wasn't just back on square one, he was on square zero. With nowhere else to go but his home.

It hurt every step he took away from the park, and by the time he was home, he was emotionally drained. Everything was changing. Once, he was sure that change was good, but now he wasn't sure.

Naturally, his friends spammed him with messages, but he couldn't bring himself to turn off the notifications. If he did, it would feel like he was letting go. Would he go into some kind of withdrawal? Like they were a drug, and he knew how bad for him it would be to stay with them.

He had managed to find that soulmate quiz again. Apparently his soulmate's initials could have the letters J, M, E, or T. Alexander sighed, mumbling a quick, "Love you too, fate." He then found it in himself to go to sleep.

Throughout the week, it didn't get better. Somehow, Alexander had come down with something. He always was reaching out to some kind of food, he was craving sweets. But he couldn't keep anything down, so what was the point?

His phone lit up from a message. Thomas had texted him, "Alex? I know you probably think I'm a dick for asking, but I seriously need to know if you're still alive. I'm not sending a paycheck to a dead person."

Alexander tried to go back to sleep. He really did, but then he got a call. Again, it was Thomas. He was expecting the other's usual passive-aggressive nature, but all he got was Thomas trying not to sound pissed off with, "Oh, so now he answers."

"Only to tell you to stop trying to talk to me, it's not worth it," Alexander said, too tired to care what Thomas did to him.

Thomas sighed, asking, "Are you seriously thinking I'll just stand here and let you treat me like this? I will—"

"What are you going to do?" Alexander asked, "Fire me? As if. I'm going through something, Jefferson, and we don't all have the privilege of being blind to their own problems." He took a quick breath and continued, "And another thing, Jefferson. I'm pretty sick of you thinking you own me. If you really want me gone, pick up a goddamn English class and get me out of your hair, you insufferable prick."

He could hear the shaky patience Thomas was trying to show him. "Fine," Thomas said, "Get mad at me. See where that takes you. Or you could suck it up, turn it off, and keep on living like the rest of us do." And then Thomas hung up.

His ringtone called to him every few hours, but he couldn't bring himself to mute everyone. He wanted alone time, but he didn't want to feel truly alone. But he was going to address what he knew. He loved Laurens, and he wasn't sure if Laurens loved him back.

Even George felt the need to text him, thinking he was dead. Alexander hadn't done anything to convince him otherwise. He might as well be dead, because he felt drained and strained to the point where he considered the thought.

But for now, he kept himself in bed, distracting himself with mindless work and the sounds of music. After all, the only time he felt mildly useful was when it was just him. Maybe he could be okay with it being just him, for the rest of his life.


	6. Reconstruction

Another day had passed. It was mostly back to his old self, but definitely worse. He didn't know how to feel or how to go on. His now annoying ringtone played again. Laurens. Alexander ignored it.

He kept ignoring everyone. Even Lafayette's slightly condescending text saying, "Alex, please pick up. I promise whatever's going on isn't that bad. Just give us some sign you're not dead."

Laurens called him again and again, pulling at Alexander's heartstrings. Yet another part of his mind fell to Laurens and was telling him to just pick up and stop being a baby about it, and that was his logical side. What kind of logic is calling someone just to get hurt?

His logic, he supposed. Alexander sighed, swallowing pride he didn't know he had. He lips were dry, and he had only gotten up from bed to drink water and use the bathroom. He called Laurens back.

Laurens immediately picked up. He sounded crazed, stuttering out, "Alex… oh my god, you're not dead. God, I thought… I would've… You _should've_..." He sighed, not even bothering to be mad. And he wouldn't be completely wrong in assuming that he was dead, Alexander felt dead inside. Like how he used to, but at least back then all he felt was slight annoyance. Now it was a confusing mess of anger, loss, and grief, like how it was in his early years.

"Laurens, hi…" Alexander replied. He knew he was supposed to apologize, the mature thing to do. But if he were a little more mature, he wouldn't have ran off in the first place. He wouldn't have told Thomas to cover for him, he would've stayed.

"You didn't really have a meeting, did you?" Laurens said, sighing. That was enough to break Alexander's heart a little, finally seeing a bit of what he's been doing to Laurens. "Did I do anything?"

Alexander only responded with, "I'm sorry. Don't blame yourself, I was… scared, I guess. I'm bad with emotions."

Laurens responded in seconds, "Let's start from the beginning… Did… Did you see color?" Laurens was clearly struggling to get the question out, and Alexander knew he couldn't fake his answer.

"I didn't see any color," Alexander said, his eyes focused on the blank wall where his color wheel poster used to be. If he really was destined to be alone, he decided he didn't need the poster anymore. He was facing the truth that whatever he was feeling needed to change if he wanted something done.

The other was silent for a few moments, then he said, "But… Alex… That's gotta be impossible, I saw the colors. I just assumed you did too, and we could've just stayed. But it all fell apart, and I guess I know why now…"

"Laurens? You saw it?" Alexander asked, bursting at the seams with questions. "Then how come I didn't? Does that mean I'm not meant to be with you? What the hell does that even mean?" His heart felt confused, neither of the two knew how to answer his questions.

"Alex, can I ask you something?" Laurens inquired, his voice cracking from false positivity. Assuming Alexander would've said yes, he burst out, "Do you love me? And not like in a, 'Oh, if he were my soulmate, I wouldn't complain because _dang_.' I mean, actual love. Like, 'Maybe things haven't turned out perfectly, but I'll still be with him.'"

Alexander doesn't know why, but that's when he starts laughing. Maybe he was delirious because he hadn't eaten any food for a few days, or maybe he was really tired. "Laurens, I can say with full confidence that I would not have gone through all of these emotions if I didn't at least care about you," Alexander answered, "Which means yes, of course. Maybe? I'm not sure, but probably."

"Well, it's way better than you hating me," Laurens said, sniffling. Alexander could imagine the slightly pained but sly smile on John's face right now. Had he been crying too? It felt weird to Alexander, from what he could hear, Laurens was experiencing basically the same emotions as him. Embarrassment, confusion, but mostly relief. He heard the sound of clicking and Laurens typing. Maybe he was searching for an answer.

"Maybe the colors are late? No, that doesn't make any sense…" Laurens mumbled. There was silence between the two for a while as they were off doing their own thing. Alexander just took this moment to take in Laurens' voice and made up his mind about something. That something being that missing something you willingly cut yourself off from was definitely worse than missing something you've never had. It was like the feeling of withdrawal.

Lafayette's in the background, saying, "Laurens, we're going to start buying the knock-off brand ice cream. We can't afford your stress-eating." Most likely, Laurens was staying at home, probably not even bothering to go to work. It seemed like the type of thing he'd do.

Laurens protested quietly as he clicked and scrolled. He went silent, and then asked Alexander, "Describe what happened."

"I hugged you, and I think what I felt was like electricity. Not sure if that was real, but I felt it. And then before this call, it was painful to ignore you. And by that, I mean every part of me was aching, almost felt like vomiting," Alexander ranted. He was still aching, still a mess. But a mess that was figuring itself out. An okay mess.

Laurens sighed and admitted, "None of this makes any sense. I saw all of those beautiful colors, and it's just… Not fair, really." He was right, but Alexander had already accepted that he'd never see color. So why would he think differently now? All this time, fate had been controlling him and he always obsessed about what fate wanted, despite the fact that he believed he was in control.

In fact, all of his life, fate had screwed him over. His father married a woman who didn't know better that it wasn't going to be happy ending for her. He had people at college stare at him or outright torment him because he didn't care about color and he was outspoken about it. Everyday, he heard stories about soulmates meeting and all of their worries seemed so silly, and he felt like his problems just didn't matter. Was he not allowed to feel anxious about having to spend his life with a random person fate chooses? Was he supposed to man up? Like he should suck it up that it was hard adapting to the will of others, that he should change his attitude instead of expecting others to deal with him.

And he was done with fate. He did have control, and he didn't want to go through this. "Yeah, and you know what?" Alexander said, his throat still sore from crying, " _Fuck_ fate, let's go do something. If we're willing to make this work, who the hell cares that we're not perfect soulmates? Fate can go suck a dick."

"All right," Laurens replied, laughing a little with the sound of shuffling in the background, "Let's hit the town, we're gonna do whatever soulmates do. Don't they have to seal bonds or something?"

Alexander felt his face go hot, knowing what that implied. "Yeah, but that'll come later. Let's just do something fun. You can choose, if you want but give me time to prepare, I look like hell."

"Definitely the park, we're going to redo everything. Nobody's going to run away, you in?" John's voice rambled, and it was nice to just take in everything. He had denied himself the enjoyment of the simplest pleasures of life, and he was going to make up for it by appreciating a lot more.

When Alexander arrived at the park, he greeted Laurens with a wave. "Hi, I'm Alexander and I have emotional issues and sometimes feel like everything is pointless. Is that okay?"

"I'm John and that's cool with me. I mooch off my friends and I feel guilty almost constantly," Laurens admitted, laughing. It was silent for a few seconds until he offered, "Wanna hold hands and bitch about stuff?"

"All right, that sounds perfect," Alexander said, reaching out to hold John's hand. They walked down the path, not really caring that they had limited time together. Alexander didn't mind that there was a small chance that his soulmate was really out there, because right now, Laurens was the only one that mattered. And himself, since he wanted to work on his self-esteem.

Alexander laughed in the middle of his story. "Okay, so I walked up to Thomas' desk to apologize and make sure I wouldn't lose my joke. While I was there, I took a business card. And Thomas says, 'I made those myself.' And you know what? It had perfect grammar and everything."

"Either he really was fucking with you or maybe he _did_ improve," Laurens said, somehow still positive. "Hey, you didn't happen to hear that bit about ice cream from Lafayette?" Alexander nodded, wanting some explanation. "Well, I have a bit of a problem with emotions… I get stressed easily, that's it. You know what they say about how ice cream makes you feel better."

He put his hands in his pockets, and Alexander suspected that maybe it was something more. Despite his worries, he let Laurens think to himself and decide if he wanted to tell him.

Then Laurens sighed, saying, "Let's get real for a moment. Someday, I'm going to have the money to go to college. And I'm nervous about that, scared mostly."

"You'll still be around, right?" Alexander asked, knowing it was a little selfish of him.

Laurens smiled weakly. "Maybe," he said, "But we have to know we don't have all the time in the world, so we need to do everything we can while I'm here, if you know what I'm saying." And so the discussion would stay on college, at least until every one of Alexander's questions were answered.

"Aren't you at least a little excited?" he asked.

"Is it bad if I'm not? I mean, I don't know what I want to be. I don't know who I want to be," Laurens ranted, "I've never had the time to figure myself out. I don't have a thing I want to pursue."

Alexander exhaled, only saying, "We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. For now, let's just sit and talk." He knew one of his goals would have to be to figure Laurens out. "I really do wish we had more time," Alexander commented, "Not that I don't want you to get a degree."

"I get it," Laurens said, "I can't believe just a month ago we were just strangers. We really did just speed through this."

Alexander chuckled, then asked, "Why _did_ Laf and Herc give me your number? Besides the whole, 'help him he's secretly lonely' thing."

"Oh my god, they said I was secretly lonely?!" Laurens exclaimed, "I swear you say someone's cute one time and they're already planning weddings."

They both laughed quietly, though Alexander was a little happier than he should that Laurens thought he looked... more than all right. Alexander was still worrying about the college situation, and he knew Laurens was too. But right now, that didn't matter. They could have what others could spend years looking for, even if Alexander wasn't supposed to.

"Alex, someday…" Laurens started, but he didn't find the energy to continue. He sighed. "Someday, you might find your soulmate. You might decide to leave me, and… I just wanted to bring that up."

Alexander felt his mood dampen. He couldn't help Laurens with this, as long as they were together he would worry about this. But still, he tried to comfort him with, "Laurens, I won't leave you for someone else just because they're my soulmate. I know what that does to people." But he knew that was a very real possibility.

And there was that weak smile again. "You don't have to say anything," Laurens said, "I'm fine."

"You are not fine," Alexander said, then he realized Laurens would just shoot that exact line right back at him. "But that's okay. We can be not fine together."

Laurens laughed. "Stop making it cheesy, Alex." He was still smiling like an idiot though. Laurens muttered, "How are we going to break this to Herc and Laf?"

"The maybe not soulmates thing?" Alexander clarified before suggesting, "I'll start telling them the news and they'll go, 'I knew we saw something you didn't.' Then I'll say, 'What? Colors?'"

"Alex, that's evil," Laurens said, though he still held his grin of approval. "You're going to make them cry and they're going to talk about how they're sad and ask why you would do something like that."

"Laurens, that's exactly why I do things," Alexander explained, sitting back on the bench, "It's a lovely day out."

Laurens rolled his eyes and joked, "Smooth subject change."

"Come on, can I not just enjoy the moment?" Alexander asked, "Everything's fine for once. That's new for me, isn't it?"

The other smiled and took hold of his hand. "Yeah, I guess it really is a nice day out."

Alexander Hamilton has never seen color. Maybe he would one day, but right now he was fine with it. Sure, he'd be fine if he did see color, but he didn't want it to get to his head and cause him to hurt others. He was okay with Laurens getting to his head though.

* * *

 **And this concludes my story, kind of based on real events. I might write an epilogue, but right now, I'm helping a friend edit a future story. Thanks again to everyone who's read this and to everyone who's reviewed, followed, and favorited this story.**


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